I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.