I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
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Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same