WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
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The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.