Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
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Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
“what that mouth do?” complain
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures