Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck