Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
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Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
🙁
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Guilty! 🤪
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.