I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
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This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*