SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
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If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited