Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
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Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Every house has this drawer
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.