I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
You Might Also Like
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*