8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
the simulation is moving too fast
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?