Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
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My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
You’ll be OK
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it