[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
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ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
look at me when i’m typing to you
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.