I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.