This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie