I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
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I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Become ungovernable.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
dude it’s called proctologist
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.