There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
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When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Ha
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.