Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
You Might Also Like
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
yeah not falling for this one
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous