We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
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“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*