Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
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Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Watson was Holmes schooled
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this