[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
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Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
finally
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies