dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
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I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
A dad and his duck
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
This is so me 😂😂
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
My guardian angel deserves a raise
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful