For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
How times have changed.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp