Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
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Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Sending in my taxes
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want