I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
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[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Me if I was a dog
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.