High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
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[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
when the buffet is more honest than your date
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
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