Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
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[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….