Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
ugh not again
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”