parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
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Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.