Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
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Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Nose
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster