“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
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[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Britain be like