haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
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*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.