why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
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My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!