I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
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Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.