I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
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People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.