Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
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i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
#Caturday
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
How software testing works
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops