#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
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If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
titanic
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline