remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
You Might Also Like
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
then why did i get this email
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho