Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
You Might Also Like
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.