if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
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[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
car not found
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Me :
All Day At Night
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”