Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
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*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
forgive me baja for i have blast
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese