*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
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*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice