I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
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The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.