*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
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*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies