me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
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I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA