Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
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I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work