If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
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As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
<- sleeps well with others
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out