Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
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“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
never compromise your values
i’m laughing very hard in real life
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.