VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
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1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it