I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.